What’s more fun than having sex? Um, NOT having sex…? For many guys out there, the chastity lifestyle is a huge turn-on. Maybe it’s time you tried it!
It might sound extreme or scary, and for beginners, chastity is indeed a daunting prospect.
“What do you mean I can’t use my cock however I want?”
But for those willing to stick with it and really get into the meaning behind it all, it can be an incredibly rewarding and eye-opening experience for everyone involved.
So let’s take a dive into the world of the chastity lifestyle. What it looks like, how it feels for the male being locked up, and how to do it better.
Oh, for clarity’s sake: we’re referring to chastity in the context of BDSM and a kinky lifestyle. This isn’t an article about taking a vow of celibacy and never enjoying sex. If that’s your thing, awesome, but you won’t find any useful advice here.
Table of Contents
What Is Chastity Lifestyle?
Most commonly, the chastity lifestyle occurs in a BDSM context where the Dominant partner takes control of the submissive partner’s genitals and how they are used.
That means NO more orgasming whenever the submissive partner wants. Often they will use a device to make sure they can’t touch themselves that can be locked, which is why you often see the dominant partner in these kinds of relationships called a “keyholder.”
Whatever the keyholder says goes. If they say do the dishes, you do the dishes. If they say be my footstool, you’re their footstool now. If they want to tease you for three hours and not even let you out of your cage, well, that’s up to them.
Chastity is a way of reshaping a relationship and also a way to learn more about your partner and how to please them other than sexually.
For the purposes of this article, we’re mostly looking at male chastity.
Now let’s take a look at how it works, practically speaking.
Discipline and Restraint
Restraint is a key part of the chastity relationship: physical as well as psychological.
Usually, a chastity-enforced partnership involves the use of restraining devices.
It can go either way in a hetero relationship: if the Dom is male, then their sub can be made to wear a chastity belt, which covers the vulva in a way that prevents intercourse or masturbation.
You might think this practice goes back to medieval times – we’ve all heard of the fantasy trope of the fair chaste maiden, right – but actually, this was rare throughout history. That means the most use of these devices is happening right now. What a time to be alive!
If you switch the sexes around in the dynamic, the female Dom (Domme) can use a chastity cage to lock up her sub’s penis so that her pleasure and control are paramount.
Cages and belts are designed to be inescapable, which means the sub’s orgasm and pleasure are entirely up to the keyholder’s discretion.
So what’s going through the chaste partner’s mind at this time? Well, I don’t know all that much about how it is for women, but for male subs? Let’s see…
The 4 Stages of a Chastity Lifestyle
There are 4 basic stages of the chastity lifestyle that I think most people go through. The first one tends to occur only once, like a novelty. Sometimes people tend to switch back and forth between stages 2 and 3 for a while.
Stage #1: Excitement
This is the real honeymoon phase of chastity. The sub is eager and loving every second of being locked up. He is turned on by the feeling, the look of being locked up, and even the very idea of it in principle. It might be hard to put the cage on a guy because of the non-stop raging erections at the thought of being caged!
The excitement comes from the thrill of having no control and no freedom. It’s new, it’s fantastic, it’s the doorway to a whole new world of adventure and pent-up release from building frustration. His penis is right there but inaccessible to him, and that’s enthralling.
Unfortunately, like all honeymoons, this phase never lasts for long.
Stage #2: Frustration
At first, it felt fun, and it was on every level. The fantasy was being lived out. His Dom teased him and teased him until he couldn’t take it anymore, and he loved it.
But then something happened, quite early on in the adventure.
The guy realized, “oh crap. I actually can’t reach my penis.” Frustration stops being thrilling and starts being… well, actual frustration.
He will be infuriated that pleasure is so close and yet totally inaccessible to him. His penis, which he was used to being able to get pleasure from at any time, is now a source of anger and bitterness.
Chastity isn’t a reward in itself anymore but a thing to be tolerated in anticipation of release. This inevitably leads to annoyance, and the sub will likely be moody and irritable. This is the stage where he will most likely quit and want to return to a more “normal” dynamic.
But if he sticks out through this tough period, eventually, things will turn around.
Stage #3: Determination
After some time which can range anywhere from days to months, the sub will realize he’s not going to win by complaining and being sullen about it. It’s time to either shut the whole thing down or carry on through to the other side.
Determination and willpower take over. The mind gets reprogrammed through sheer force of motivation, going from “I hate this” to “this is fine, and this is what I’m doing.”
After some hard work and hopefully some kind of support from the dominant partner (whether that’s being more lenient or extra whipping is down to the particular dynamic), there’s a breakthrough.
Stage #4: Enlightened Acceptance
Finally, an epiphany. He’s been looking at it all wrong. This isn’t a punishment inflicted upon his unfortunate soul – it’s what he wanted! This is the reality he asked for, and it’s the one he’s got.
All he has to do is accept it and embrace his role and all the joy and fulfilling feelings he had at first return. Except now they’re different. Where there was childish enthusiasm, there is now measured satisfaction and a more peaceful kind of joy.
Experience of Having a Chastity Lifestyle
If you’ve never tried it before, then you’ll inevitably find the chaste lifestyle to be full of unexpected twists and turns. Here are some things to consider that you might not be expecting.
Wearing a chastity device for the first time
The first time putting on a chastity cage is thrilling, but it’s also a daunting prospect. Also, they’re pretty uncomfortable at first and take some getting used to. It helps to remember this is normal – it’s sort of like going scuba diving or skiing, in a way. At first, all the gear on you feels weird and unnatural, but you quickly adjust until it feels like a natural extension of your body.
Sleeping is the hardest. Getting erections in your sleep is a thing that happens to every guy, but the cage doesn’t care if you’re asleep or not. That takes a lot of getting used to, and you have to be prepared for a few sleepless nights or just take it off before going to bed for a while until you have time to get accustomed to day wear.
Surprising thoughts on chastity devices
Cleaning is more of an issue than you might expect. If you’ve ever worn braces, you’ll remember that learning how to brush your teeth again is a new thing you hadn’t thought about until now.
Cleaning a cage is a lot like that – suddenly, there’s this new thing you must get used to.
But there are fun surprises too, like how you can feel closer to your partner than ever before, in a non-sexual way. A lot of men, in particular, aren’t really used to this kind of intimacy, so the first time you feel like cuddling your partner without getting horny about it is a pleasant shock!
The Benefits of a Chastity Lifestyle
The advantages of a chastity lifestyle are myriad. Here are a few that I found especially nice:
Greater Intimacy – You can feel closer to your partner than ever before by honoring and pleasuring them selflessly. You learn to adore them in new ways you might never have thought of before, which can do wonders for a relationship both inside and outside the bedroom.
Willpower – Most people don’t really test their own endurance the way a chastity cage does. By committing to it, you learn more about how you’re capable of adapting to and overcoming problems in a way that few people educate themselves on how to do. This has benefits in everyday life – you might find people praising how well you stick to difficult tasks.
More intense orgasms – they say hunger is the best sauce, good things come to those who wait, and all that. Well, it’s definitely true when it comes to sex and orgasms. Once you’re let out of the cage, be prepared to be hornier and more excited than you’ve ever been. And those orgasms after days or weeks of waiting are mind-blowing.
Tips on Starting a Chastity Lifestyle
To thrive in your male chastity lifestyle, you and your partner (or “keyholder”) must agree on the terms of the chastity.
You need to make sure you both stay Safe, Sane, and Consensual throughout your experience. Here are a few things to check on your safety list upfront.
Agree on safe words
A common method of preventing overstepping boundaries is using a safe word:
Think of a safe word that you’ll both remember to use if anybody feels out of their depth (typically the sub!).
Maybe they’re in too much physical discomfort from punishment, they’re having second thoughts about the whole thing, or anything in between.
The sub should feel confident that when they communicate the safe word, all activity will come to a STOP.
Fundamentally, you must have solid trust in each other!
Use traffic lights system
You could also try a ‘traffic light’ system.
If you need to slow something down (maybe a punishment or humiliation), say ‘orange.’ If you want to stop completely, say ‘red.’
This is a simple but effective way of communicating in a Dom/Sub situation.
Draw a contract
To be super official, you can draw up a contract, signed by both you and your partner, outlining the rules and what you both expect (like the length of chastity and punishments/rewards).
Whatever you choose, it’s highly important that you both understand and agree to the terms to ensure everybody is on the same page.
You can learn more about safe ways to use chastity devices in our Permanent Chastity 101 Guide.
Get a spare key
Having a spare key placed somewhere you both know is extremely important.
Imagine: something goes wrong, the keyholder is not around, and there isn’t a spare key. You need to avoid this.
Although uncommon, health issues (swelling, discoloration, or extreme discomfort) could arise, which would need sorting ASAP.
So, whether it’s in a drawer or in a shoe, ensure there’s a spare key to reach for!
Now, once we are clear on safety, let’s proceed to…
Add a Game to Spice Up the Chastity
Just like in your normal sex life, things sometimes need ramping up a little!
So, if the chastity lifestyle has started to feel a little ‘same old, same old,’ here are a few games you can play to relight that fire (plus, your sub can earn some rewards!):
Game #1: Hide the key to his cock cage somewhere around the house. If he can find it, let him have a day cage-free!
Game #2: Make folded paper slips mix them up in a container, with one slip having ‘O’ Day’ written on it, and the rest left blank. Tell him if he’s lucky, he could get a surprise. Make him choose!
Tip: If you’re feeling a little naughty, you could leave all the slips blank. Depending on how good he’s been…
These suggestions are the tip of the iceberg in terms of which games you can play! Check out our ultimate guide to chastity games for more ideas.
Here are more few ways to do it:
- Order regular photos of your submissive with their cock caged. If they don’t send them quick enough (or at all) there’ll be a punishment waiting.
- Demand he wears whatever you want him to wear around the house. That might be nothing at all.
- Have him complete humiliating tasks during normal daily activities. Like, make him get on all fours and act as a footrest while you’re kicking back with a movie!
- Order him to make dinner, do the laundry, make you cocktails, or any number of things. If he does it well, pick a worthy reward for him!
So, whether chastity is a short-term experiment, or a long- term thing, as keyholder, you certainly get some practical benefits, too!
Also, bringing a chastity lifestyle into the 24/7 could be a great way for the two of you to explore each other better, increase excitement in the relationship, and live out powerful fantasies together.
So, we’ve given you plenty of ideas on how to get started with your male chastity lifestyle.
But really, the possibilities are endless, and the boundaries are only as limited as your imagination is!