In this guide, you’ll learn both sides of the coin. You’ll learn about how to be a dom and you’ll learn how to be a submissive. What it all means and how to actually practice it.
Table of Contents
Why To Even Cultivate D/S Relationships?
Truth is, in our days we are losing the polarity between each other.
Men are becoming less dominant, less masculine, less submissive…
Women are taking more charge and are becoming more dominant…
But for most men and women that’s not how they want things to go.
They just don’t know how to be dominant, and women don’t know (or don’t have a man) that they could surrender to.
50 Shades of Grey did one thing well — it popularised the whole BDSM concept (using BDSM toys like this) and showed the attraction in polarity.
And…the thing is:
If you want exciting and passionate sex life you need polarity!
It’s fake it till you make it, if you don’t have it now.
With my own girlfriend I noticed as I started taking more charge, taking decisions and dominating her in bed…
She become naturally more feminine and beautifully submissive in my eyes…
Not always, I must add. She does like to switch and bite me hard — but the key still is the same…
That’s my pep talk. In this guide I’ll answer the most common questions on what dominant and submissive means.
..and I included tons of people answers who explained how they make their D&S relationship work.
Note: If you want to skyrocket your polarity, communication and attraction levels, check Alex Allman “Sexual Communication” course. You’ll get PHD there which will fix tons of challenges you have in love life.
What is the definition of Dominant?
Dominant term comes from BDSM and it’s used to describe a person, who’s at the time during the kink, or sexual act is taking charge.
It can be both man or female, though most commonly man is a dominant and woman is submissive.
But there is this whole kink about dominatrix, femdom — which is a woman who’s dominant over a man.
What is the definition of being Submissive?
Submissive means about someone who’s taking orders or submitting to his partner.
It can be verbal or physical.
Most commonly women are submissive, but there is also a term: switch, which describes a partner who likes to switch from these two polarities.
From submissive to dominant.
Now these are just blunt definitions, but let’s jump into real stories of how dominance and submission could look in relationships and sex.
If you’re more vanilla, just ignore the extremes and use them to understand the attraction of polarity idea itself.
How Great Dominant Submissive Relationships Might Look Like?
Here’s a story of a woman loving and describing how polite guy turning into a dominant during sex…
While D&S relationship talks about BDSM (slave & master) stuff, this is what 80% of people I’m guessing are looking for:
“So I slept with one of my best friends this weekend for the 2nd time. “
“The first time we did was a month ago after we’d been out drinking, and it was very… tender?
And like we were learning each other’s bodies.
He is an awesome person, one of the most kind and caring friends I have.
He has such a genuine personality and the most warm smile… it felt really good being with him that night, and it hasn’t messed up our friendship at all.
We live in different cities, and haven’t had a chance to hang out since then.
When we saw each other this weekend, I was really hoping it would happen again but I wasn’t sure if he was feeling it.
We went out with a group of friends, and when we were at the bar he started by gently brushing my arm and whispering in my ear — talking about what he would do to me when we get home, how he was going to make me dripping wet, how my body was driving him wild…
It was so hot hearing him breathe these sentences in my ear and still having to act normal in front of everyone.
It escalated for a few hours, and by the time we started kissing I felt like I was going to explode!
His hands were so warm, he knew exactly where to touch me.
Just as we were about to start having sex, he grabbed my face and said “I’m going to be a bit rough, is that okay?”
FUCK. I melted.
This second time was so different from the first.
He completely took control and held me down on the bed, sometimes he’d choke me or cover my mouth.
It was so fucking hot seeing this cute, polite boy transform into a dominant, powerful machine haha.
Fuck… I keep thinking about it.
Anyway point being, I fucking love when a guy surprises me in bed like that!”
How To Be A Good Dom? How To Be Dominant During Sex?
Here are some incredible tips from experienced doms and subs 😉
“One way you could be more dominant is by taking more charge when changing positions. “
“Not by saying which position you want to change to, and let her assume the position by herself, but by moving her around like a puppet to the position you want her in.
Don’t be afraid to give her a simple command to adjust the position in ways that would be cumbersome for you to do yourself, like “straighten your back” or “spread your legs”.
You can do similar things during foreplay as well.
Make moves that demonstrates your strength without hurting her, and move her body in a way that pleases you and makes the next thing you want to do easier.
Want to kiss her?
Grab the back of her neck and point her lips toward yours.
Want her pants off?
Tell to lay on the bed and rip them of her.
Want to give or receive oral?
Tell her to assume the position, now.
Domination is often not so much in which actions you do, as how you do them.
Act as if you are in charge, because if she’s submitting to you, you are.
Follow your impulses and surprise her with your actions. (Of course, don’t break any set rules, or do anything you haven’t agreed on earlier).
Demonstrate the power you have over her whenever you feel like it.
Both in physical strength and your role as dominant.
And be confident.
If you have problem with the last part, remember that your confidence should come from the trust she places in you by letting you take charge of both of your pleasure and safety.
And the trust you place in her to tell you when you are going to far, and obeying the orders you give.
Of course, communication is important.
“Do you like that?”, “Do you want to X?”, “Do you need a break?” should be asked when you are not 100% sure of the answer.
And if they are asked in a low, stern voice, they only add to the dominant vibe.
Being dominant does not only mean taking charge of your own pleasure, but also theirs.
If you don’t do your due diligence that they are enjoying themselves as well, then you have failed your role.
Also, until you have discussed and agreed to a safe word, words like “no”, “stop”, “don’t” etc. are the default safe words.
I would suggest the safe words “green” for “we are all good to continue”, “yellow” for “we need to pause for an adjustment”, and “red” for “we ned to stop right now, and ensure that everyone is safe”.
But feel free to use what works best for you.
And finally, if either you or your partner don’t like some of my suggestions, then you do you, and do what works for you.
These are just my ramblings, and are more what you’d call guidelines than actual rules.”
“Before you even begin anything, tell her to go get on the bed with her clothes off except for her panties. “
“Tell her she needs to be bent over rubbing herself, lying on her back, etc .. whatever position you want her in.
Then come in, hold her arms down and tell her you’re going to tease her until she’s begging for you to fuck her.
Kiss up and down her legs, slowly trace the inside of her thighs with your fingertips, nibble all over…
My favorite is when he tries to lick me through my panties or slowly takes my panties off.
Once you do begin to have sex, it’s super sexy to play with edging/telling she has to ask for your permission to cum and asking how to cum more.
“Being dominant just means you CONFIDENTLY control the situation.”
You’re the driver, she’s the passenger, you’re both enjoying the ride.
“I can’t tell you how to be dominant, you just have to dig deep and do it.
But some moves that typically dominant would do are:
- Pick her up instead of allowing to move herself,
- When you do move her don’t be careful. Be at least 50% rougher and more forceful than if you were out in public.
- Don’t tell — just do. Don’t ask. Just take, grab her by the back of her neck, grab a fistful of hair, when using the back of her head or fistful of hair drag her in and kiss her hard until neither can breathe and have to come up for air.
- Make your movements generally more aggressive (i.e. don’t just move between her legs to go down, shove them apart, pin them down, go to town).
- Make noise (the more guttural raw the better)
- Where you would normally kiss or lick… Throw in some hard sucks and bites.
- Verbally tell her what she has to do to you.
- Force her to ask permission to do anything
- Make her look you in the eye and tell you how what you’re doing to her makes her feel (force her to be explicit and not break eye contact)
- Make her beg for you to touch her/fuck her (like really beg)
- Keep her in vulnerable positions (on her knees, on all 4s, below you looking up at you towering over her)
- Smack her ass hard and very frequently
- Face fuck her, and if she’s into rougher things like being smacked in the face, called dirty names, used anally, choked, or tied up, you could do that too.
You have to be up for all of it though.
If you hate it and do it anyway it will be terrible for you both.”
Being dominant doesn’t mean you have to hurt her.
“Sexual domination is more about being in control.
Be clear about what you want.
Talk to her before hand about what is acceptable and what’s not.
Then when you’re having sex, don’t ask but do.
Be in charge, all she has to do is follow your lead.
Start of slow.
Tell her what to do, things like that.
Explore and have fun with it.”
How To Be A Submissive Wife? Have Submissive Sex?
While it’s great if a man is a naturally dominant and masculine…
Not always that’s the case.
Especially as women are taking more important roles in working environment, this may badly affect your relationships in life and during sex.
It’s in your both best interests to intentionally nurture this polarity — dominance and submission.
And even if your man isn’t dominant now…
YOU CAN HELP HIM BECOME ONE!
For example, I had a girlfriend who had tons of dominant energy…
I am naturally dominant, but she was overpowering me.
Our relationships didn’t last long.
When I talked to her about it, she said: “How can I let go and be feminine if you cannot take care of things?”
But truth is, if she had tried to let me be a man, I would naturally become more dominant. But she wasn’t letting me.
How do I know?
Because exactly the opposite thing happened in my next relationship with the woman I am about to marry.
She expressed how she would like if I take more decisions, how she would like if I would fuck her hard during sex…
And as I was doing it — I got more and more confident on doing those things.
She made me more masculine and dominant… and now we have perfect polarity, perfect sex, and perfect relationships.
So the best tip on how to be a submissive wife is:
Encourage him. Nurture him. Talk to him…
Leave a space for him to be dominant!
And chances are he will. And you’ll both be happier for it.
The only exception is, if you’re naturally a dominant woman and you prefer it that way.
Well, they you need to admit it and intentionally look for a man who’s naturally submissive.
Here are few more tips on how to be more submissive:
“Communication, depending on the man”
“If he is one that is naturally dominant, he would probably be ecstatic to hear that you wanna submit to his needs.
If you know he’s okay with that or have seen displays of dominance in his body language when having sex…
Next time you see him and you’re alone, just get on your knees and ask politely if you could suck his dick.
That sure as hell would make the dynamic clear.”
“Talk to your partner about it first.”
“See what you each are into, what turns you both on, and what you are open to try.
It might be weird or awkward at first but that is okay!
Just roll with the punches and see where it leads you.
If you are too shy to talk about it in person — don’t be!
But you can always text about it so there is that small window of privacy.”
Why Women Like Being Submissive?
“Probably gender differences in personality traits.
For example, women tend to score higher in Agreeableness while men tend to score higher in Aggressiveness.It’s not a big difference individually, mind you — assuming you and me were randomly selected from a crowd of men and women.
There’s only a 60% chance I’m more aggressive than you — but it’s a tendency, and it shows more towards the extremes.
If you were to pick the most agreeable person from a mixed crowd for example, it’s almost certainly a woman.
So in that sense, you can talk about “us men” and “you women” as a generalization.
As I said, it’s a biologically informed tendency — and that doesn’t mean there are no dominant women, just fewer.
Another aspect might be culturally informed, regarding render roles.
Maybe some men who secretly want to be submissive are not comfortable with being submissive because that would attack their picture of stoic manliness…
…or they might be worried their partner won’t find them as attractive anymore.
A similar belief could be true for women.”
“I love feeling used and taken advantage of.”
“I have depression and a really bad inferiority complex so it’s nice that I get to feel like the object of someone’s desire rather than the one doing the desiring.
Then my partner always helps me clean up after and will usually give me a massage or something afterwards so that I feel looked after and taken care of which is just as important to me.”
“I LOVE being submissive in bed. “
“I can’t pinpoint exactly why, but it makes me feel extremely desired.
I think because my self esteem is normally pretty awful, a guy taking over and just doing whatever he wants with me is enjoyable because it proves he actually does find me sexy I guess?
The best is when it’s rough (biting, spanking, hair pulling, light choking, scratching, etc) and then it’s super sweet and affectionate and cuddly afterwards.
Literally the best.”
“During my life outside the bedroom I can get really wrapped up in my mind, have to make a lot of decisions, and spend a lot of time dealing with shit.”
“In bed the submission let’s me get out of my head and enjoy what’s happening, and let someone else take total control over me.
It’s a nice vacation from everyday life.”
How to switch from Dominant to Submissive in the same night?
Many couples like to switch the power roles… How would it look like?
Here are few examples:
“My husband and I are both switches. We just take control when we feel like it. “
“Example: last night he was in charge, but I was on top.
He was grabbing my hips and then I decided “my turn” so I pinned his arms down and told him not to fucking move.
I made sure he knew he wasn’t allowed to touch me and when he tried (which he did I, a lot) I would sternly remind him by holding him down.
10 minutes later and he was holding me down. it is what it is, you just get used to it and you switch.
Eventually it becomes natural — assume the position you want to be in or don’t want to be in :)”
“I lived with my wife and our girlfriend for most of our 46 years of marriage. Our girlfriend is sexually dominant and my wife is submissive.“
“I was submissive or dominant in our threesome depending on what we all wanted.
When it came time to go one on one, I was submissive with the girlfriend and dominant with the wife.
Not a problem because the roles we assumed during sex were not who we were outside the bedroom.
Since we moved away from our girlfriend (my wife is bi and so is her girlfriend) my wife is now dominant in bed yet still submissive out of it and she likes it that way.
We took advice from an experienced long married couple we met at a BDSM club, and kept our sexual fetishes out of our regular life where we were all equals.
No one thought less of the others.
To us our fetishes are sex games and we move in and out of the game as the mood strikes us.
I doubt many people want to be dominated 24/7 despite the fantasies people post, and the porn with paid actors we see.
Just learn to separate what you do in the bedroom from the rest of your relationships and you will be OK.
It also depends on your partner knowing that what happens in bed is not the way it is 24/7.”
Bringing It All Together
Now I hope you have a clear idea of what D&S relationships mean and how to make them happen.
Just remember that polarity is key here.
You can play this as BDSM kinky and experiment with sex furnitures or extreme sex toys.
Or as vanilla as you want with light bondage ideas…
Just remember that you need polarity to have exciting and passionate love life.