Lovense Sex Machine Review [2024]: F*ck This Thing!

In this Lovense sex machine review, I will share everything you need to know about this smartest fucking machine, what’s inside the package, how to use it, and more. Read on!

I’ve mentioned before that the sex toy industry is blowing its load all over the marketplace right now, and Lovense is determined to spread its seed far and wide!

This time, they’re giving us their all with the Lovense Sex Machine!

It doesn’t matter if you read the title of this article as a sigh of delight, as in “Fuuuuuck, this new Lovense Sex Machine is BOMB,” or if you read it as a command, like “Fuck this machine, right now, and see what I mean!”

Either way, you’re right. Because fuuuuuck, this machine is amazing, so fuck it right now and see for yourself!

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First Impressions & Packaging of the Lovense Sex Machine

One of the things I REALLY appreciate about Lovense is the company’s discreet shipping.

This machine comes in a sizeable package (9 x 11 x 20 in or 23 x 29 x 53 cm, weighing about 24 lbs or 10.6 kg), but it’s a plain brown box, which keeps the delivery person and the neighbors out of your business.

INSIDE THE BOX comes the motorized unit; two Vac-U-Lock real-feel dildos; two Vac-U-Lock attachment rods; the legs and crossbar feet; power supply and cord (requires outlet); corded remote control dial; sturdy storage bag with nylon handles; a quick setup guide; and a user manual.

There IS some light assembly required to install the Vac-U-Lock attachment rods into the motor itself, but the instructions are very clear and easy to follow.

On a difficulty scale of “putting batteries into the remote” to “solo IKEA assembly,” I would rate this about as difficult as putting a 3-piece OtterBox on your new cellphone: anyone can do it, but glance at the instructions FIRST.

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Lovense Sex Machine Tech Specs

Vac-U-Lock Dildos:

5.43 in and 6.3 in
Caucasian skin tone
Circumcised head shape

Variable Stroke Depth:

1-7 inches

Max Speed:

300 strokes/minute (4-5/second)

Assembled Machine Measurements:

Max Height: 17.72 in
Length (foot-to-foot): 17.79 in
Motor Casing Height: 5.71 in
Assembled Weight: 20 lb/9.5 kg

Motor:

24 V Turbo Gear motor, DC 5-6A 30 kgcm/3 Nm torque100-240 V, 50-60 Hz

Controls:

Wired remote with on/off button and manual dial, Lovense App

Warranty:

1 year

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The Look & Feel of Machinery

This is a pretty bare-bones assembly of shiny chrome-plated steel and rigid black plastic. It is a machine, and it is as proud of its parts as you are of yours!

It comes with two realistic Vac-U-Lock dildos. Their inclusion means that your new Lovense Fuck Machine is ready to use almost straight out of the box (don’t forget that little bit of assembly, first).

The dildos are alright; they’re fine. Extremely realistic modeling with plenty of skin-like ridging along the shafts, Caucasian skin tone, circumcised heads, and realistic sac bases.

They are the wonderful quality we have all come to love and expect from Lovense toys. 

Of course, Lovense only ever uses body-safe materials, and the dildos have a soft-skin feel. They are made from phthalate-free, medical-grade silicone, so keep them away from oil and alcohol!

One thing I really like about this is the remote.

While the Lovense App is always the best choice for Bluetooth-enabled toys, the wired remote on the Lovense Sex Machine has an on/off switch (for convenience and safety) as well as a large dial that goes from 0-100 (that is % of speed, not strokes per minute).

This is a great change from other toys where the onboard controls could be more convenient. Plus, it shows they listen to feedback from their customers!

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Lovense Sex Machine Key Functionality

Speed

The Lovense Sex Machine has a maximum speed of 300 strokes/minute. Which is about 4-5 strokes per second.

Whether you’re looking for slow, sensual, mechanical lovemaking, or a hard, deep, jackhammer fuck, this sex machine is designed to deliver. And with the Lovense App, you can easily program a pattern that starts slow and ramps it up as it rams it in! 

The included wired remote doesn’t allow programming, but it DOES allow direct control of the amount of speed, from 0-100%.

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Versatility

If you are new to Vac-U-Lock, here’s the short and sweet: it’s the closest thing the industry has to a standard of secure attachment for interchangeable sex toys.

So if these are your first Vac-U-Lock dildos, know that they will attach to any other Vac-U-Lock apparatus (such as a strap-on brief or saddle). Likewise, if you already have other Vac-U-Lock toys in your collection (such as a vibrator), then those can be used with this fucking machine.

And yes, you can program your Lovense Sex Machine and any other Lovense toys with the same rhythm in the app! Or, use it in conjunction with any of Lovense’s lines of INTERACTIVE videos and games!

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Design

The Lovense crew designed their sex machine to be adjustable to give you the angle you prefer. So use it for mercenary, doggy, or however you find most pleasing!

RAISE it. LOWER it. TILT it up or down.

The front and the back can be raised and lowered separately. 

However, please be aware if you plan to use BOTH ENDS that tilting one end up lowers the angle of the other. Think of a teeter-totter from a playground. Only one side can be up at a time, and the other side is automatically down.

Same thing here, so plan your comfort accordingly.

One of the more unique features of this machine is the ability to set it on its “ass” and have it thrust straight up into a receptive play partner.

However, having it on its end means you can’t use the rear-mounted dildo, so only one person can ride the ride at a time. But if you’re into actual jackhammer fantasies, then this is absolutely your fucking machine!!

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App Control

If you’ve read one of our other Lovense reviews, you’re already familiar with the AMAZING piece of technology that is the Lovense App.

But for those of you who are new, let me give you the rundown.

The app allows you to control your sex machine – or any other Lovense toy – via WiFi and Bluetooth from anywhere in the world or in the same room. It allows you to program your own rhythm. It allows you to browse for rhythms made by others. It will work with the music you’re playing or with the cries of pleasure you create. 

In short, it takes an already amazingly personal experience and gives you ultimate control over your and/or your partner’s pleasure!

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Simple Assembly

Alright, this is NOT a spontaneous toy; you don’t just whip it out on a whim. It takes some planning and some setup.

First and foremost, it needs to be plugged in. The power cord is a generous length, which makes this easier. 

It must also be on a firm and stable surface, such as a table or the floor. 

There is also some out-of-the-box assembly required. This is done with an Allen wrench, the little six-sided, L-shaped tool that is often included with anything that has “some assembly required.”

Make sure you look at the instructions, but essentially, you take the cover off, attach this here (and that there if you’re using both ends), and a little of this if you adjust the stroke length.

Do it once or twice, and you’ve got it down.

Friends, please be mindful of this: Because the stroke length has to be adjusted manually, it cannot be adjusted in the middle of your session.

It is NOT complicated, but it does mean stopping everything and moving everyone for safety’s sake. Again, please take the time to set up your fucking machine for everyone’s pleasure, comfort, and safety.

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Noise Level

Lovense is committed to your privacy, and their sex machine is no different.

It is whisper quiet when in operation unless you really crank the throttle up to about anything over 70%, then there’s a bit of noise from the machine.

Still, unless your walls are made of literal paper, it’s quiet enough. Especially if you have some music on. (And this all assumes that your moans and squeals of pleasure are not drowning it out.)

However, if you are looking for the mechanical noises that get your gears lubed, then this fucking machine might be too quiet for your tastes.

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How to Use the Lovense Sex Machine

I need to tell you again that this is nothing you bring out IN THE MOMENT. This is an experience you plan for.

Make it sexy by including setting up the machine as a part of your foreplay. We had a lot of fun talking about all the possibilities we wanted to try. My lady and I made a list of our ideas, then picked randomly from it to test out all the functionality!

Using the Lovense Sex Machine with the Lovense App

As with all of the Bluetooth-capable toys that Lovense makes, the sex machine connects beautifully to the Lovense App.

This allows you to control the speed of the machine’s strokes with a direct Bluetooth connection to your phone, tablet, or computer running Bluetooth 4.0 or later (a Bluetooth adapter is required for a Windows PC connection, sold separately). 

• This turns your phone (or device) into a feature-rich wireless remote for your fucking machine.
• Program your own rhythm of strokes, or select from pre-made and user-submitted patterns (which require internet access).
• Sync your fucking machine to music that’s playing on your device, whether it’s a slow R&B panty dropper or a thrash-thrusting Metal opera.
• Sound-activated setting means the more noise you make in the room, the faster the machine fucks!

The Lovense App also works with your internet connection to give ultra-long distance control to your partner of choice or even a random stranger (if that’s your thing)!

• Connect with all your other Lovense toys to share the same pattern or have different settings for different toys: your pleasure, your choice!
• Lovense also offers a selection of AMAZING videos, VR sessions, and games designed to reward your brain and your bits for the ultimate interactive entertainment.

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My Experience With the Lovense Sex Machine

Going through the setup of this machine might seem like a bore, but my lady and I made a sexy little game of it.

First, for every one of the five illustrated steps I completed, she removed a piece of clothing. She then explained to me in great detail how she wanted to get down with this machine while I got it positioned to drive straight up into her as she stood over it.

We took it slow at first to make sure that she was comfortable with the deepest point of the thrust, then I made her wait while I programmed in a couple of stroke patterns I thought would drive her wild.

It wasn’t very long before we both determined we were happy with the “out-cum.” 

Hands-down – or hands-free! – one of the BEST parts of this fucking machine is that two people can share it at the same time!

And while that was not how my lady and I tried it first, it was absolutely tried. We had a mutual friend over, my Lady’s occasional play partner, and we had a lively evening of snacks and games.

Winning at Naughty Words gave me control of the App for the evening. And a good time was had by all! }:-)

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Speaking of Cleanup Time…

Because the Lovense Sex Machine is a heavy-duty appliance, do be careful not to get liquids inside the motor casing.

Otherwise, just remove the dildos (or any other Vac-U-Lock attachments you may be using), and give them a clean as usual with warm (not hot) water and some mild detergent or your favorite sex-toy wipes.

The User Guide also suggests giving the motor and rod attachment points a little bit of grease or oil every few months.

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Get Your Own Fucking Machine!

Ha-ha, see what I did there? But seriously, friend, if you’re looking to invest in your penetration play pleasure, then the whisper-quiet Lovense Sex Machine is an excellent option unless you MUST HAVE that machine noise.

If it’s unavailable at your local sex toy shop, then you can order direct from Lovense.com. While the suggested price for this machine is $1,399 US, at the time of writing this review, it is currently available for $699 US.

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Don’t Just Take My Word For It…

What is everyone else saying about the Lovense Sex Machine?

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What Are the Alternatives?

For your pleasure comparison, we’ve written a roundup on our picks for best fucking machine, but here’s a quick recap:

Lovense Sex Machine vs. Hismith Premium Sex Machine 

If you don’t care about Lovense App compatibility or you don’t want to use both thrusting ends, then the Hismith provides the same quality of penetration play, at a much lower price. The machine itself is quite similar in structure and adjustability. It also proudly displays the thrusting piston that drives the arm. 

But you do have to pay extra for some features, including App compatibility.

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Lovense Sex Machine vs. Velvet Thruster Mini Teddy

The Mini Teddy is the choice for those on a budget.

It’s quite different from the Lovense and Hismith in design. For starters, the Mini Teddy is NOT a machine-machine. Instead, it attaches to the wall, instead of having the added weight and expense of legs or other supports. Plus, it only thrusts up to 2.5 inches.

It’s also louder than either the Hismith or the Lovense, and many people have trouble getting it to adhere properly. But if you’re looking for a compact thrusting toy, then this is it.

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Last Impressions

Look, I get it.

A sex machine that fucks two people at once isn’t for everyone, and it is a major financial investment. However, if you are looking for quality, quietness, and fun you can share with friends near and far, then the Lovense Sex Machine is absolutely for you!