9 Exciting Long Distance BDSM Ideas Any Couple Can Try

Kinky LDR relationships are challenging. Your distance makes things harder but not impossible. Check out these tips to make long distance BDSM fun & enjoyable.

Long-distance relationships can be quite a challenge, especially when it comes to intimacy. It’s very hard to experience excitement and passion to the fullest when your partner is not actually next to you. 

You need to be creative to keep the spark alive in a long-distance relationship. 

This is true for everyone, especially couples that are part of the BDSM scene, where costumes, props, and roleplay are integral to the experience.

So how do you bring those to the play session when you and your partner aren’t even in the same room? 

Luckily, there are ways in which you can enhance your long-distance play, no matter what side of that slash you’re on and no matter how experienced you are. You can do it all by yourself or enlist the help of new technologies, like sex toys explicitly designed for LDR. 

If you need a nudge regarding ideas, I’m here to help – let’s look at how you and your partner can have some BDSM fun even when you’re miles apart.

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Long Distance BDSM Ideas For Couples 

Let’s start with the basics. Phone sex has been around forever. In the last decade, it evolved to sexting… or maybe devolved. Dirty letters used to be quite common in the past.

What is texting, if not a bunch of short letters sent at rapid speeds?

In any case, phones and chats are what we use to stay connected when we can’t physically be together. So why don’t you use it for a long-distance sexual experience? You just have to get comfortable with the idea of dirty talking, whether it’s by phone or text. 

Some people get shy when they have to express their desires through words – yes, even those in the BDSM community. For others, it’s just hard to stay coherent when horny (been there).

Discuss with your partner beforehand what you both expect from dirty talking so that you can ensure a pleasurable experience.

Try to be specific. Do you want to listen or tell an erotic story involving the two of you? Do you feel like giving and receiving orders? Do you just want to listen in on your partner masturbating and moaning? 

In my personal opinion, you should also talk about what pet names it’s ok to use for each other’s genitalia in a sexual scenario. Some slang may be considered sexy by your partner, while other words might ruin the vibe.

For example, I don’t mind the word cooch and even use it in my articles, but if a partner uses it during sexy talk – instant turnoff. 

If you’re new to dirty talking, start with sexting so you don’t feel pressured to react right away and panic. 

Phone sex is great if you’re already feeling comfortable with dirty talking and has the bonus of you hearing your partner’s sexy turned-on voice. Also, you two will probably feel more connected when talking rather than texting.

Words are a very important communication tool and allow long-distance couples to keep their relationship not only sexually but emotionally as well.

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Technology is your friend, and you should make the most of the opportunities it gives you. Nowadays, it’s so easy to take a sexy photo or video and instantly send it to your partner, no matter where they are in the world.

So my takeaway is we should DO IT MORE OFTEN! 

Tease your partner with provocative images and videos throughout the day. It might be especially exciting to send them nudes at work. 

Make sure you include any props or costumes you usually use when you’re intimate. Your pics can be as hardcore or sensual as you want – it’s all up to you and your comfort level. 

But why limit yourself to prerecorded sexiness?

Live video makes the whole experience much more intense and realistic. There is so much you can do when you and your partner not only hear but also see each other in real-time! Striptease, roleplay, masturbating together… 

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New sex toys are coming out every day, each more advanced than the last one. They are built with better materials and motors, have better designs, AND even some high-tech bonuses. 

What if I told you there are toys out there that will let you FEEL your partner’s moves?

Yes, that’s exactly right!

Some toys made by manufacturers like Lovense or Kiiroo offer a real-time sync option. If you and your partner get compatible toys, moves of one toy can be transferred to another, even when you’re miles apart.

Let’s look at one example like Lovense Nora and Max 2 – a vibrator and a stroker. 

They work great on their own but are even more amazing together. When one partner inserts the Nora into their vagina, the Max 2 starts vibrating and contracting around the other partner’s penis. Thrusting the Nora faster will intensify Max 2.

It also works the other way around. Insert the penis into Max 2, and Nora starts working. The faster you stroke it, the more powerful the vibrations and rotations of the Nora are. 

Other toy combos like Kiiroo Onyx+ and Pearl 2 also account for depth. Onyx+ has ten contraction rings inside its sleeve. They will contract at the same depth at which Pearl is inserted. Now that’s what I call realistic!

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Orgasm control or denial is a popular domination tactic in BDSM – one person can control the other’s orgasm to build tension and arousal.

The longer the orgasm is denied, the stronger it can be when it happens. It also feeds the power dynamic between the submissive and dominant partner. 

By not allowing the sub to come for a certain amount of time, the dom sets them up for a reward… or punishment. They can also go in the other direction and make their sub orgasm again and again, almost to the point of exhaustion, which is an intense experience for both parties. 

This technique translates rather well into long-distance play.

The dom doesn’t need the ability to physically control their sub’s stimulation for it to work – they can just give orders for the sub to follow. Or they can refrain from the spiciest parts of their story while dirty talking to build anticipation. 

Bring sex toys into the mix. The dom can decide when and how long the sub uses their sex toy. 

If you want the dominant to have some sort of physical control, you and your partner can get toys with app connectivity. They offer infinitely more functions than other toys. They can also be controlled from ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. 

Yes, you read that right! 

As long as you and your partner have WiFi and the sex toy app installed, either can take control of the toy, no matter where you are. 

It’s the perfect addition to long-distance orgasm control/denial play. The dom can take matters into their own hands and experiment with all sorts of functions and intensities, teasing or overstimulating their sub. 

If you’re interested in app-controlled toys, look at the products by Lovense.

Not only are they luxurious in design and materials (so they feel amazing on your skin), but they offer the BEST CONNECTIVITY when it comes to close-range and long-distance control (so your play won’t be interrupted by a loss of signal). 

One of their most popular picks (and our personal fave) is the Lush 3. It’s a small wearable internal stimulator that targets your G-spot. You can use it as part of a live-video session, or you can combine long-distance okay with public play.

The toy is not only powerful but also whisper-quiet, so nobody will suspect a thing.

Esca 2 by OhMiBod is also a great wearable vibrator with amazing connectivity features. But there is a twist – IT TRACKS THE USERS ORGASMS. A great feature for orgasm control play!

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You don’t have to be in the same room to give and receive orders, right? 

The dominant can give various tasks to their submissive – wear specific lingerie, record a striptease video, secretly use a wearable vibrator in public, go out without underwear… your imagination is the limit. 

There can be consequences if the sub fails to complete a task or rewards if they complete it. 

Doms should require proof that the task has been fulfilled. For example, the sub can take and send a sneaky pic showing they are really not wearing underwear or that they have their vibe on. 

Rewards can be anything the sub enjoys, like being allowed to orgasm or getting sexy videos and pics in return. The dom can also send gifts to their sub.

Depending on how involved with BDSM you are, punishments can differ in severity.

You can play with sexy and pleasurable punishments – many people even call those “funishments.” However, if you’re more serious about maintaining the power dynamic, then the punishments can be real consequences. 

Yes, punishments also need to be consented to. That may sound bizarre, but one can consent to something they do not prefer. Again, it’s all about establishing very clear roles and boundaries beforehand.

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If you don’t have a partner to tie you up, self-bondage is the next best thing.

Of course, the sub can’t possibly tie themselves in a way that limits their movement and relinquishes control. Still, a self-bondage display is a great statement of their ultimate submission and consent. It also makes for a great show! 

It’s up to you if the dom guides the sub in the process or if the sub does it on their own as a sexy surprise.

When practicing bondage, it’s very important to consider safety!

The wrong kind of rope can leave bruises and rope burn, and if it’s too tight around the subs body, it can cut off circulation, especially at the wrists and ankles. Don’t dive into techniques that are above your experience level. 

Use soft rope or a few scarves and ties – these won’t scratch your skin. Learn safe knot techniques that can be untied very easily. NEVER USE ZIP TIES! They will most likely cut you and can get too tight and very dangerous. 

There are self-bondage techniques that are easy, safe, and also look very pretty. Any dom would be thrilled to receive pictures of their tied-up sub. It will also most likely provoke a particularly charged sexting session.

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Imagination is important in any relationship! That’s even more true when it comes to long-distance ones. 

Learn about your partner’s fantasies and try bringing them to life. This creates a more intimate and fulfilling sexual experience.

Pay attention to the details, so you can give your partner an arousing mental image. That means both making your costume as realistic as possible and finding the right things to talk about during roleplay.

Don’t go straight to the point – paint a picture, like they do in erotica novels. Don’t be shy – just speak about what you imagine in detail, and it will work out great! 

Different fantasies can fuel a BDSM power dynamic and make it even more exciting. 

Scenarios like teacher-student or guard-prisoner lend themselves well to a dom-sub relationship. For more roleplay ideas, we have over 60 scenarios that you can try.

By building an immersive and lifelike scene, you can turn your role-playing into a memorable experience for both of you.

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Showing somebody you care and think about them is the cornerstone of any relationship. When trying to make it work long-distance, sending small gifts to your partner will help keep your emotional connection.

All of this is even more important in a BDSM relationship, where rewards are as important as punishments.  

The gifts don’t have to be expensive, but thoughtful. It’s up to you if you focus on sending sentimental gifts or sexy ones… well, those two things don’t cancel each other out. 

A good idea for a gift is sexy lingerie.

The sub can send a provocative pic wearing it later or put it on for the next video chat.

If lingerie is not their thing, the dom can always get a more hardcore gift, like a sex toy their partner can use in the next session. Or maybe some accessories – a collar, a whip, handcuffs…

Gifts sent as rewards for completing sexual tasks are encouraging and serve as reminders of affection. This will help keep your relationship feeling intimate and loving despite the distance. 

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Aftercare is what helps the BDSM couple transition out of a scene. Both participants should make sure that their partner feels safe and that boundaries weren’t crossed during play. 

Of course, most of the aftercare responsibility falls on the dominant party because that’s how the power balance in these kinds of relationships works and because the sub often experiences more emotional pressure. However, the submissive should also ensure their dom’s emotions are being looked after.

Aftercare is a VERY IMPORTANT last step of any  BDSM play session and shouldn’t be overlooked in long-distance BDSM relationships. 

Aftercare can differ for different couples, but it often includes physical closeness, so it’s tricky to translate that into an LDR. 

One way of dealing with the distance is providing a comfort item for the sub – stuffed animal, pillow, blanket – anything they can use to cuddle with. 

The dom should send the sub different creams and oils for treating bruises if such occur during playtime. Yes, you are likely to bruise yourself even during self-spanking. Physical care and comfort are just as important as emotional care. 

It’s also a good idea to check on each other for a little while after the scene has ended. Sometimes people feel fine right after the session but can need attention and reassurance a little bit later. 

COMMUNICATION during aftercare is essential for any BDSM relationship, especially if it’s also a long-distance one.

Talk about what both of you liked about the experience and what you didn’t exactly vibe with. 

Take the time to discuss any new things you have experimented with. If you discover that you no longer enjoy something that you used to like, communicate this with your partner and establish new boundaries. 

Keep in mind not everyone needs or wants aftercare – at least not necessarily in the form of cuddles and reassurance. Some people prefer to be alone for a bit right after a scene, so they can gather themselves.

Be sure to talk with your partner beforehand about what both of you expect from aftercare – everyone’s needs should be met to keep the experience positive. 

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Some More Important Notes

BDSM, long distance or not, should be SAFE AND CONSENSUAL. Here are some things you need to keep in mind. 

If both of you are still beginners at BDSM, make sure to do your research and take it slow. If you bite off more than you can chew, you risk having a very unpleasant or, god forbid, traumatizing experience. 

Research safe techniques for different types of play on the internet, like bondage or striking. 

Even if it’s self-inflicted, you should still know the proper way to do it. Yes, it is very possible to hurt yourself if you don’t know what you’re doing. Make sure you get your info from legitimate sources. 

Well, you’re already in SexualAlpha, so you’re doing well in terms of sources. (It’s a brag, but it’s also true!)

Make sure you practice with a partner that you trust, communicates with you, and does not violate your boundaries. 

BOTH Doms and subs should communicate their hard boundaries – in other words, what things they will under no circumstances participate in.

The couple should ABSOLUTELY respect each other’s hard boundaries. No one, dom or sub, should try to persuade the other one to “just try out” a thing they don’t want to try out.

There may also be things you are not sure about or even nervous about but are somewhat willing to try. Take things slowly when experimenting so you don’t get overwhelmed. 

Either of you should be able to stop the scene at any point to avoid bad experiences. Speaking of which…

Why a safe word and not just… you know, telling your partner to stop?

Because BDSM scenes can include roleplay with reluctance, crying, begging, and so on. A sure-fire way not to confuse play reluctance with the real deal is using a codeword instead of a no – something you wouldn’t say in a sexual situation. 

Your safe word can be whatever you like.

Some people use colors. “Green” stands for “everything is fine, go ahead,” “yellow” means the scene may need to stop soon because you’re getting overwhelmed, and “red” means “stop immediately” – much like a stoplight. 

Safe words may seem unnecessary if you’re doing something you don’t consider hardcore, especially for long-distance play.

However, I advise you to have a safe word in every BDSM session. It gives you peace of mind, comfort, and control of the situation. Using a safe word helps you keep things fun and safe. 

Talk through scenes you want to do. I know that it may not sound as sexy as being surprised by your partner’s moves. But it’s definitely safer, especially if you’re a newbie.

The thing is, it’s easier to say what you WANT to happen instead of what you don’t want to happen – there is always the chance you’ll miss something, and then the scene may ruin your mood.

Trust me – once you’re in the scene, the excitement will consume you, and it will be fun even if you know what will happen. The anticipation may even be a huge turn-on. 

BDSM is NOT abuse.

Many erotica movies and literature portray BDSM in a very harmful way. They pretend like dominants and sociopaths are the same, that crossing boundaries is sexy, and that subs have some unresolved sexual trauma…. NONE OF THIS IS TRUE.

Frankly, it makes my blood boil. 

A sub consents to be punished by their dom for breaking the rules the couple has agreed to. A person can consent to something that they don’t prefer. 

A dom has to have their sub’s best interest in mind… and vice versa.

If your boundaries are not respected, no matter what role you assume in the power dynamic, leave that relationship. An abusive relationship is unsafe for both your physical and mental health.

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Final Thoughts 

Long-distance play may not offer everything actual physical intimacy offers, especially when it comes to BDSM, but it does offer some very exciting perks.  

With all the technological advancements at our disposal, it is absolutely possible to keep the spark of a long-distance relationship alive and even offer you a different kind of experience you wouldn’t otherwise get.

Long-distance BDSM seems tricky,  but you can make it work. You just need determination, imagination, and why not also a bunch of fun toys and accessories?