Everything you need to know about what it means to be dominant, different dominance levels and, and how to dominate a woman properly and safely.
There are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to being a Dominant in the relationship.
Yes, it could be the BDSM relationship everyone expects you’re referring to. But, at the same time, it might not be the case.
Still, the idea of introducing and using more dominance in a relationship seems quite a kink or a taboo.
Power dynamics is fun in the bedroom. And if you fantasize about playing a dominant role to your woman in bed, there are certainly many things to explore about it. The best part? It heightens the sensations and introduces unique sensations and sexual fantasies into the relationship.
So, get ready by introducing more rumble and tumble to your bed sessions and be the Dom she’s fantasizing you to be.
Understanding Sexual Domination
What is sexual domination? Basically, it’s a set of behaviors and rituals where one person, in this case, the woman, takes the submissive role while the other, which is you, takes the dominant role.
The Dom and sub relationship is consensual, regardless of how serious or casual this power play exploration is. Of course, for more serious BDSM situations, a contract might even be involved, Christian-Grey style.
Being dominant in bed doesn’t always have to involve bondage and kinks and safe words. So you can be as vanilla as you want while still applying this concept.
The Psychology of Dominance in Bed
Many women LOVE it when men take the initiative in bed. They enjoy it when a man takes control – what happens, when it happens, and how it happens.
If you think you’re not innately dominant, that’s okay. We’ll discuss different ways on how you can bring out your inner Dom and satisfy your woman.
See it as some sort of roleplay. At the start, you might not want to verbally ask permission, especially if you’re still getting the feel if it’s something she wants. There can be cues that your partner is a natural submissive, so that’s something you should watch out for as well.
If you tried exerting some dominance in bed and she reacts poorly, then you might have to think twice about it.
Have the Dom Mindset
Being dominant goes beyond claiming, “I’m dominant in bed.” It should exude from your entire being. So what mindset should you have?
You should have the attitude of someone who loves being in control. You’re confident in doing what you like to do.
Towards her? Power play involves feeling that your partner loves to give up her control to you. She loves being dominated by you. And she desires to satisfy you.
If you FEEL this way, it starts to radiate in your actions, words, and body language.
Of course, you shouldn’t have a mindset that being dominant means mistreating a woman. That’s an entirely different thing. And just WRONG.
Dominating is not being mean or cruel. It’s a misconception. Instead, it entails taking the lead and connecting with a side of yourself that’s more “powerful,” in a sense.
And that’s why it’s crucial to understand and know yourself before you take on a dominant role in bed.
People often feel ashamed of their desires. We worry that our sexual fantasies might make our partner laugh, disgusted, or, worse, run away.
One of the ways to go with it is identifying what turns you on. It could be a scene from a book, movie, porn, or experience. Then, ask yourself why that turned you on. This alone could give you A LOT of insights about yourself.
Consent Is A Must
Power play in the bedroom REQUIRES consent. You can’t just start exploring this concept just because you want to. You and your partner are a team, and teamwork is needed for it to work.
She should say yes about it – not because she’s forced to, but because she wants to. If it’s not a 100% yes, then consider it a ‘no.’
Also, it’s an ONGOING agreement. Just because she said yes the first time doesn’t mean you’re free to do it as long as you want to. She can revoke her consent at any time.
Something to note
Understanding consent and Yes vs. No is a key concept of power play. Because the moment this is ignored, it becomes assault. Clear?
Slow and Steady
So, you want to be a Dom.
Applying the new concept of power in the relationship, particularly in bed, doesn’t happen overnight.
Being dominant and, more importantly, being a good dominant could take time.
And with that, start exploring less extreme activities. The act of wielding power and having your partner submissive to you already feels so erotic.
Begin with baby steps:
- Initiate. Taking your woman by surprise is a sign of dominance. It could be in the small things. Grabbing her butt out of nowhere. Kissing her when she least expects it. Initiating sex. It shows dominance but in a hot kind of way.
- Explore. Exploring each other’s kinks is part of the human as this involves letting yourself be vulnerable and totally trusting each other. So talk about what kinks you have, what things you want to try, and go from there.
Minor Behavior Changes
Going from zero to 50 overnight could confuse your partner. Yesterday, you were you. Now you’re donning the Batman voice and grumpy face.
There are small behavioral things you can do, though.
The eyes are the way to the soul. And being able to maintain eye contact is a small but BIG show of confidence. Maintaining eye contact before a kiss screams, “I want you, and I’ll take you the way I want.” You’re in control; no words are needed.
This small act is so sexy and controlling without being painful. But it should be done right. Don’t pull from the tip of her hair. That’s painful and childish. Instead, run your fingers through her hair, gather her hair up against the scalp, then pull. Carnal!
Saying “good girl” or “I’m very impressed with your tongue” makes her feel like she’s pleasing you, even when she might not have been consciously intending to do so. And that’s dominant AF. Hearing your compliments will not only make her feel good but she’ll also be motivated to impress you more.
Tell, don’t ask
Women find it sexy when their men don’t ask. (Not in the concept of consent, okay?) Saying “Will you suck my dick?” versus “Suck my dick” and “Can you go slower?” versus “Slower” feels lightyears away. Of course, let her know it’s a command, not a criticism by moaning or growling.
Men seem to overlook how women enjoy dirty talk and verbal dominance.
Why do you think women love reading Fifty Shades of Grey? Why has there been an onslaught of erotica after the hit book series?
While men get turned on by porn, women are turned on by words and their minds.
Commanding a woman to do something would make her wet. “Moan for me,” “Beg me to fuck you,” and “Tell how good this feels” are just some of the things you can say to her that would stimulate her brain.
Telling her what you’re going to do to her without asking for her permission (as I’m assuming you’ve established it already) is also very sexy. For example, saying “I’m going to fuck you very hard right here, right here” could practically bring her to her knees.
The Physical Dominance
And by physical dominance, I mean rough sex because you want her. You’re doing it out of love, not because you want to hurt her physically. (I’m assuming you’re not a sadist, and it’s not the BDSM hardcore play we’re talking about, as that’s a totally different topic altogether with its own risks and pleasures.)
This could involve grabbing her, kissing her passionately, and throwing her in the bed. Many women enjoy this because they feel so desired.
What are some dominant acts, then?
- Pushing her into position, like throwing her in the bed or pushing her against the wall.
- Ripping her panties off.
- Being assertive and taking charge.
- Talking dirty and exuding confidence.
- Tying her on the bed or her hands.
- Depriving some senses like blindfolding.
- Getting her to dress up and “act” for you.
Consider checking out our best sex tips for men guide to take your game to a new level.
Kinky Gears — Or Nah
You may use kinky gears like ropes, handcuffs, and whips. Or not. They’re NOT a requirement for being dominant in bed.
What they are are symbolic props.
For example, you don’t want your partner to be able to touch you. You get turned out by being in control of allowing or not allowing her to feel you. Binding her hands with handcuffs can literally and physically stop her from doing so.
Flavor of Domination
Some couples apply domination only during sex sessions. Others use this powerplay outside of the room (more on that later). They treat it as a lifestyle.
Whichever route you’re going for is up to you and your partner.
There are many tips about being in a dominant and submissive relationship. But at the end of the day, it’s YOUR relationship. So do what you want to do.
Just because other dominant enforce punishment on their subs doesn’t mean you have to if that’s uncomfortable for you. Different strokes for different folks always apply.
Responsibilities of a Dom
Being dominant over your partner means you’re in charge of her well-being. And that constitutes responsibilities.
You are responsible for knowing and understanding each other’s boundaries. And respecting them.
Something to note
Before you engage in more D/s plays, set and agree on which activities are okay to do and which are not.
It’s also possible to learn halfway that something is too much. Hence, safe words are important.
During sex, she might say “No” or “Stop” even when she doesn’t want you to stop. But, sometimes, forcing her into something is part of the act. So there should be a way for you to know it’s a hard stop, and you should end a scene with a word that’s unusual to be blurted during sex. But also easy to remember in the heat of the moment. For example, “Teletubby.”
If gags are involved, you should also establish some sort of non-verbal safe words. Others snap their fingers or hum a tune.
Using sex toys and props like dildos, blindfolds, and more extreme spanking paddles and riding crops is possible. And it’s your role to know how each one works, what sensations they provide, and how to properly and safely use it.
But, of course, not doing so runs the risk of hurting your partner, which is a big no-no.
Depending on how vanilla or hardcore your kinky activities are, it’s essential to prepare safety supplies. For example, have the keys within easy reach and access if locks are involved. Using bondage ties? Get scissors on your side table. Being safe goes a long way toward avoiding emergency medical situations.
Feedback and checking in
Dominating in bed should be mutual enjoyment, and part of being a good dominant man is checking in with her woman. Ask her what she’s feeling – was it good for her, is it something she wants to explore more or did she not enjoy something. Monitor her comfort and pleasure levels throughout.
Creating a scene is a common concept in BDSM. And it’s something you might want to explore during your playtime.
The key here is personal preference. But I’d give you some examples.
Using nicknames makes the scene more “realistic” as you and your partner get into the right headspace you’re fantasizing about. That’s why many subs call their Doms “Master” or “Sir.”
When setting your scenes and roles, taking her into consideration is also important. It’s not just because you want to dominate her. For example, let her know that seeing her on her knees while waiting for you turns you on. Or that having her suck your peen on her knees with eyes eager to please you makes you burst. (Again, be verbal!)
How To Create Your Scene
Preparation is required when you want to explore scenes. Many things come into play, including what we mentioned above. Afterward, you have to negotiate.
Communicate with your partner what to greenlight and what you should not include. This is important to make sure of mutual enjoyment.
Like in BDSM, you should know your partner’s limits (or things they’re not into).
You should also consider if they have any health issues. This is also where you set your safe words.
Defying what’s too much or not is subjective from one person to the next. What’s tame for me might be extreme for you, or vice versa. So, have a yes/no/maybe list.
You and your partner should write down all the sexual acts you can think of and then categorize them into different columns:
- Yes – You definitely want to try it
- Maybe – You need more research about it, and you might be open to trying it
- No – You don’t want to, it’s outside of your comfort zone, it’s triggering, and it’s a hard no
Where do you actually start? Well, here are some starters:
Painting a dream scenario and starting with dirty talks is one of the safest ways to engage in it. There are no risks, and you can discuss each other’s favorite scenes, positions, and acts.
Watching porn with your partner can be fun if you do it the right way. That means, at least, porn should be ethically created. Also, it’s important to understand that porn is entertainment, NOT educational. Treating porn as “research” sets unnaturally high expectations for sex.
Experimenting with sex toys
Being dominant is being confident in incorporating sex toys. And, as I mentioned above, these sex toys don’t have to be kinky gear like gags and blindfolds. But if they’re your thing, you can also invest in them.
Safety and Risks
There are risks, and with you, as the dominant, means the role of being responsible for safety and risks falls more on your shoulder.
With that said, there are risks to a lot of sexual asks. Some sex positions could lead to injury, even if they’re “vanilla.” STIs and unwanted pregnancy are risks as well.
In this case, know RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink. It’s being aware that kink scenes are consensual, but you understand some risks that come with it.
What if something goes wrong?
- Remain calm.
- Take action.
You have done all the preparations you need. So, you’re ready. Panicking would just make you confused about what to do. So take a deep breath and figure out what’s your first course of action.
If the worst comes to worst, call an ambulance and rush her to the emergency room. Hopefully, it shouldn’t go that route, as you need to be more advanced BDSM players even to explore sex activities that would warrant this level of danger.
But then again, you never know what could happen. So being ready is of utmost importance.
Being the dominant partner means your woman trusts you by being in control. You have to earn and be worthy of that trust. That’s what separates bad apples from good apples.
Something to note
Never ever shame or pressure a woman into doing something they’re not comfortable with.
Being dominant isn’t being demanding. So what are red flags you should avoid?
- Insisting on skipping the safe words.
- Humiliating or belittling the woman outside of the play space.
- Shaming a woman for their desires.
- Rushing consent.
- Ignoring conversations about restrictions and boundaries.
- Disregarding pre-established safe sex protocols.
- Using substances or getting drunk before a scene.
Most rougher sessions tend to be more tiring and messy, so TLC is needed post-coital.
First, ask if she’s okay. Get her feedback.
After the session, the feelings of dominating someone (and being dominated by their partner) could be confusing. Give each other enough time to be okay mentally, physically, and emotionally.
More dominant and aggressive sexual situations raise the adrenaline. That’s why you need to calm down and hold each other while waiting for your consciousness to be okay.
Aftercare could look different for each person. The best way to go with it is to identify each other’s mental, physical, and emotional needs.
Basic aftercare sesh could involve:
- Rehydrating and refueling if you’re hungry and thirsty
- Cuddling, kissing, or massaging your partner
- Relaxing by reading a book or watching a movie
- Tending to the body
Beyond the Bedroom
Most of what we talked about here are about dominating a woman in bed. But some couples take that outside of the bedroom, and that’s fine too.
D/s relationships happen, and they’re effective for some. It’s not for everyone, for sure. This total power exchange exists outside the realm of sex and involves more responsibilities for the Dom to be dominant in all aspects of their relationship.
Not Just Sex
Being dominant in bed doesn’t mean it’s ONLY for sex. In fact, you can be dominant without sex (and without being a Dom 24/7), while others have a D/s relationship but leave out the sex.
Like many things, it could be a mix and match, and it’s totally up to your preferences.
Questions? As to your Qs
“Is it bad that I want to be dominant in bed?”
TBH, it’s pretty normal. Yes, there is a stigma around it. But many people have hush-hush desires of being dominant or being dominated.
As long as there’s consent, you shouldn’t worry about it.
“What should I do if it didn’t live up to the fantasy?”
That’s okay. Sometimes it works as well as you imagined it to be. Sometimes it doesn’t. That’s part of the joy of EXPLORING sexual acts.
Many factors could come into play. For example, it might be that your partner isn’t up to being dominated, your partner wants to BE the dominant, or you find yourself not enjoying dominating your woman.
Find the cause and start from there. For example, if there are elements you enjoyed about it, continue doing them and drop those that don’t. Go for what works for you and your partner, always.
“Why Do I Feel So Bad After Dominating My Partner?”
Even though the activity is consensual and both partners want it, it’s not easy to hurt someone – especially someone you care about intimately. It goes against everything society teaches us and every moral code we learn throughout our lives.
If you feel guilty, sad, or have any kind of negative feelings afterward, you aren’t the only one. It’s commonly referred to as “top drop” or “dom drop,” and it’s a normal reaction.
If you experience this, try to change the tone and take care of yourself and your partner after a session. Using pain for sexual pleasure can take an emotional toll, so find an activity that nurtures your emotional balance back to normal.
“Do I Have To Do Certain Things Dominating My Partner?”
No two people have the exact same sexual preferences or experiences, especially when it comes to BDSM. A Domme doesn’t need to be a humiliating leather-clad sex goddess who steps on dicks in high heels.
They absolutely can be that, but BDSM is a framework for your and your partner’s unique sexual fantasies. They can be loving, brutal, humorous, cruel, nurturing, or any combination.
You should never have to do anything you don’t want to do sexually. Sometimes the best part of dominating your partner is getting creative and finding a special activity that works for both of you.
If there are three things you should take away from this article, it’s this: First, keep it safe. Second, keep it sane. Third, keep it consensual.
Power play can boost intimacy in your relationship, but it could also break it when not done right. Educate yourself about it, and find the dynamic that works for you and her.